So, this blog comes with a disclaimer…. it’s too embarrassing and awkward not to share but if you don’t want to read anything that includes reference to my nipples or Vajayjay (thank you Oprah) then, this is definitely not the post for you.

This post has no pictures, so it’s also not as scary as it could be.

I’ve been suspecting for some time now that the massage place near work may offer other services, but they are friendly, so close and do a good massage – I decided no point in worrying – I mean if they want to make men happy in other rooms, who am I to judge. The reason I feel this place is dodgy is because it’s not full of angry massage ladies, they have showers in the room and it’s down the stairs into some weird smokey den…

Cut to a pleasant enough Sunday afternoon where I decide to take wander to JingAn for a bit of shopping and a massage…  Eventually I find a massage place, great! I walk up the stairs and it seems quite nice, probably going to cost me more than I usually pay but still very Chinese so it’s not like I’ve gone to a western spa place.

I tell the desk lady I want a full body oil massage, she recommends something and I say fine.

I’m told to shower… I’m a bit weirded out by this, but I mean the other place has a shower too and maybe if I got an oil massage they’d make me shower too. This place is obviously classy… yes that’s it.

As I go to lie down I notice a suspicious sign, it says something about Male Nursing… I don’t know what this is but I’m naked bar a pair of paper shorts and it’s go time.

I lay down and get a massage, it’s not bad. She even understands when I motion and say no to the famous boob massage. Ah, but then things start to get a little creepy.

She puts her hand on a boob, and leaves it there while she says ‘very beautiful’. It’s weird, but strange things have happened…. she’s probably just thinking how funny it is to see a Laowi female.

She then goes into the stomach massage, which is actually quite painful but I remember it from the Thai health retreat and it’s super good for you. I enjoy the pain knowing it’s good for me. Then hang on, did push her hand down a little lower than she should have then? Oh my, and again?

Okay okay, you’re being a prude…. just hang in there. Next thing you know she’s THERE…. and well I don’t know what you’d called it but it was the equivalent of grabbing a little kids cheek. Then I feel her perhaps going in for the kill…. Okay no way man.

I say Mei You, Mei You, Mei You (No No No) and wave my hands around and shake my head. She moves away. I think oh good, this is okay it’s just some sort of cultural misunderstanding I guess.

Then she does a little normal arm massage and suddenly she’s flicking my nipples. Hang on, what on earth do you call this. I tense up and think I thought we talked about the boob thing… although technically it was that I didn’t want them massaged…. I think ‘don’t tweak and flick my nipple please’ is beyond my mime skills. Oh dear, am I a prude….???

Okay, she’s back on the stomach.. good good. The boom she’s back THERE and wiggling a finger in my direction…

Mei You, Mei You, Mei You!

Let’s just say I’ll be careful where I go next time. lol.